Calvaire (2004)

Calvaire is a French psychological horror movie that came out in 2004 in the language of french. 

How I watched: AMC+ channel via Amazon Prime Video

For the short of it:

The long of it? Trigger Warning: animal abuse

A handsome dude named Marc Stevens is an entertainer that travels as a part of his one man show to various locations. He's a talented singer, yo. He is seen at the beginning performing at a nursing home in which everyone seems to take a liking to him. A great scene was when he was singing to one of the women there, she mistakens it for realsies and throws herself at him but obviously is unrequited. So, uh, not a great scene afterall. I really feel for her. It was just a scene to show how charismatic Marc is and how everyone swoons over him. 

As if that wasn't enough, an employee of the nursing home shadows his ass while he is packing to go. She's more his age but just like the first one, her advances are also unrequited. She's like totally fangirling over him even to the point of creepy stalkery just staring his ass down while he is trying to start his van and take off on the road. It was weird.

However, along the way his van ends up breaking down in the middle of the fucking night in the middle of fucking nowhere. Well, fuck.

Marc is luckily near a village and comes across a sketchy fellow named Boris who helps him. Sort of anyway. He is acting a bit off and Marc doesn't seem to hide his discomfort. It is night after all and he needs a place to sleep. 

Bartel to the rescue!

He runs a very dilapidated inn but he warmly welcomes the his handsome ass inside and gives him a room to crash. 

The next morning, he has a nice chat with him. Boris ends up towing Marc's van over to the Inn. Bartel is like aggressively nice to Marc and forces his way into letting him fix his van rather than calling someone else. I'm mean, he's literally right there! Bartel the innkeeper can he fix it? Bartel the innkeeper, Yes. He. CAN!

Another thing to add to that while he is waiting for his van to get fixed he want to just go for a walk but Bartel is like weirdly adamant he doesn't go into the city with...people because ew. People. On Marc's walk I bet he was just hoping to just have a nice walk and that would be it but nah. Marc sees something disgustang.

I don't even think I should say what it is but it's the trigger warning.

Marc comes to the conclusion that these people are fucked up. Which triggers the beginning of the end for poor 'ol Marc.

Bartel is one creepy motherfucker. He confides in Marc about his wife that left him which he is in shambles all the while trying to hide the fact he doesn't know a DAMN THING about being a mechanic. Marc catches on. Like as soon as he finds some of his shit in Bartel's room he goes apeshit and knocks him out.

When he comes to he realizes the horror that lies ahead of him. I guess Bartel has what we call, a mental break. Perhaps he was just mental all along but he definitely let his facade go and holds Marc hostage and tied up. He makes him wear a dress presumably once belonging to his ex wife, Gloria.

That's lterally the rest of the movie and I don't think I can just spoil the rest of it all willy nilly you know. Man, though.  This movie is creepy as fuck. Bartel now refers to Marc as Gloria and even has him on the bed while he caresses his body while Marc is bound and can nothing but sob. It's real tough to watch.

Can you just imagine that shit? Being held in captivity surrounded by all these mentally deranged people? I can't even.

I can say this much, this is a pretty well made and well executed movie. While I personally have never heard of this movie before today, I'm totally surprised that I haven't seen this title pop up at all across looking up some horror inspo. Sorry for my cringe writing by the way.

Calvaire is a bit of a slow burner though only in the beginning but I happily welcomed it because it perfectly fits the tone for this movie and doesn't exactly drag. I honestly can't name a boring scene where it compelled me to pick up my phone and endlessly scroll through reddit or something. Because that's an annoying habit I have.

Have you ever seen the movie Misery? You know, the one based on a Stephen King book that has Kathy Bates and James Caan? Calvaire strangely resembles this movie only in the sense that an entertainer being held captive in the middle of nowhere by a psycho. Bartel is not an obsessive fan girl like Kathy Bates' character but like I said, it did make this movie come to mind the more I continued watching,

Seeing Marc's descent into madness as a result of his captivity is so haunting yet riveting I honestly cannot truly put into words how disturbingly beautiful they managed to pull that off. Hats off to Laurent Lucas who did such a superb job of portraying Marc. So many scenes where he is in utter despair made me feel like I was in that exact despair as well. It is such an overwhelming and uncomfortable feeling. Still makes me sad just thinking at it.

That ending is just. Wow. It's a great ending but it's not in the way you would expect but I love the way it ended so I'll just leave it at that.

I don't know about you but when I first watch any given movie, I tend to have a more esthatic reaction to it and when I revisit the movie of choice, it often doesn't quite match my initial reaction. It happens but I feel this movie is different. Soooo many underwhelming movies out there, in my eyes, but this is such a well done psychological horror movie. Gotta be in high spirits to watch this or else you're going to be in an endless void of dread and melancholoy on loop. One of the hardest first watches of a horror movie ever. I don't think even Martyrs had that effect on me. Different stroke for different folks. I'm going to be really sad if the general concensus gives this movie bad ratings. It's a hauntingly great disturbing movie. (Edit: I read reviews after writing this post and it's mediocre ratings. Oh well 🫠 I still stand by my views regardless)

That being said, what is my verdict?

don't watch alone at night 

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